What does Bipolar Disorder feel like? Part 2: My experience.

This post will be a more in-depth look at how my mood states present and how I feel when I’m experiencing them. It is primarily an elaboration on my last post, so if you haven’t read it yet, go ahead and check it out first. This post will still be here when you come back. 😊

Below, I describe what my mood states feel like. What’s copied from my journal verbatim is in italics, and things I added specifically for this post are in normal type. Of course, this is not what all bipolar people experience, just what I have experienced.

What it’s like:

Hypomania:

In my waking hours, I sometimes find myself in a dreamlike state. Everything is amplified, and I feel as though everything is perfect and the world is at peace, life cannot be any more beautiful. When I’m like this, nothing worries me and I’m hypersensitive to the beauty in the world. This is what I call the bright side of hypomania.

But there is also a dark side. I can become very irritable and anger easily. I also tend to become very annoyed very quickly. Sometimes I say hurtful things I don’t really mean and end up hurting people’s feelings, which I NEVER mean to do. 😢

Depression:

Other times I feel stuck, like I’m paralyzed but the world is moving in fast forward. I call these slow days because I feel like I am too slow to catch up with the world. My motivation disappears and I start to feel hopeless as my obligations pile up. Without motivation, it’s extremely hard to do anything, and I stay in bed for as long as I can. I eat too much or not enough, I lose track of my personal hygiene, and I put off doing things for as long as I can afford to.

This is usually accompanied by anxiety, which makes me feel guilty and scared, especially at night and around other people. I feel a fear of being “found out,” even though I’m never sure what exactly I did wrong.

When I’m like this, I cry almost constantly, going back and forth from mild sniffling to full-blown bawling for days on end. I have a strong feeling that life is not worth living and that nothing I do matters. Often times, I want to be dead or stop existing, but don’t necessarily want to die or kill myself.

Normalcy:

[Normalcy] doesn’t make me feel bad like depression or anxiety, but it’s not as good as the bright side of hypomania, either. I don’t anger as easily and when I do, I get over it much faster. In my normal state, I sleep healthily (no insomnia or oversleeping), shower regularly, and eat well. It’s hard to achieve this state without my meds, and I’m very grateful I have them! The only drawback to normalcy is that I’m not as creative. I’m more creative when I’m hypomanic and even when I’m depressed. But the tradeoff is worth it to me—being able to do my schoolwork and do it well is more important than anything in my life right now. Normalcy allows me to achieve my goals more efficiently.

So, that’s a clearer picture of how I feel in the different mood states, in case my last post on what bipolar disorder feels like made you curious!